Today is the time of the year where every one has the right to be happy. Everyone should love and also be loved. When I arrived in school, I felt the gentle breeze filled with love touching every bit of me. Streets and school hallways are flooded with all kinds of flowers and of course ladies embracing them. I saw couples happily walking around with arms and hands bound together.

The day started well, actually it was just like any other day. The quick changing of weather, yosi in agno, laughing out with friends, tambay… its an ordinary day. But towards the end of it, the feeling just suddenly kicked in. I’m lonely.

Yes… its been too long that I’m still me, myself and i. I never seem to be good or lucky in this area. Since way back, I never had a someone that I can call my own. Its been like this ever since. Girls don’t even bother. Not only that, I was also busted three times by three different girls.

the first one haven’t hurt me that much, actually, I haven’t thought about it till now. She was a girl from my third year class. We were seatmates and I really really liked her. She is this petite girl that’s super cute and super funny. We always had a good laugh togther. She was the nicest girl in our class. But the thing is everyone used to think that she was just a kid. But I saw beyond that. I was wrong. I got busted.

The second time was when I hit fourth year. This girl is from my barkada. She is the one that I really liked or love if you call it. I never saw that my feelings for her will turn out that way. I guess it started when we went out. Then BOOM. I felt fireworks inside. I got really close to her. We text a lot and talk a lot in school. I thought that she was the one. The first in my life. That was the time that I’m really happy. I write poems about her and I also dream about her. And then when I went out drinking with my friends, I finally told her everything. I told her what I really feel. I told her I love her. But sadly I didn’t work out. The so called “ilang” came. I thought that that was the end. The end of it all. But with the help of time, everything went ok. She was still running around my mind. She still had my heart. Them prom came. We danced but… the big but! i didn’t know what to say. I was so embarrassed of that incident. I want to tell her everything. I wanna tell her that I still do really love her. Instead, we ended up talking about the god damned chandelier! Do you get me? How pathetic could that get! aaarrrggghhh then until I found out that my friend was going out for her… there’s only one thing that I could do that time… F-O-L-D! what else could I do. But gladly they didn’t end up together. Then, here comes the gradball. We were in the same table. I never really thought of asking her to dance.after everything, I thought that things should be left the way they are. But her friend kept insisting me to ask her to dance. We were all on the same table and she keeps on telling me “sige na, yayayin mo na.” after several minutes, it was her who’s making parinig “complete na sana gabi ko, kaya nga lang may kulang” I knew that it was me she was talking about. She’s waiting for me to ask her. I guess for old time’s sake. Then… I gathered my guts to ask her. When we were dancing, we talked about what happened between us. And we ended up the conversation and the dance by saying “yung nangyari dati, kalimutan na lang natin.” Now, she’s in the states. Tha thing I can’t forget is that, the nights before she left, she called me and said goodbye. I really REALLY miss her.

The third one was in college. We became close coz of a common friend. I also really liked her. Nothing much happened between us. We had same friends and same tambayans. I dunno, that time I really felt that I’ve fallen for her. I dunno what happened but somehow we lost communication. We barely talk and see each other. Then I forgot my feelings for her. Summer came. La salle people went to bora and luckily I saw her there. We had a great night, which was her last there since she’s going back home in the morning. We were up till 7-8 in the morning and I even brought her to her place. I really cherished that moment. During that time it never entered my mind that that was the last! A new term came, I learned that she was seeing another guy. And it broke not just my heart but me. After a while, I didn’t care about anything, I knew that we never had the chance, I never had the chance to be with her. I told her that I like her. I thought it was nice that it came from me instead of any one else. But again, I made another mistake. I wish I didn’t tell her.

i liked and had a crush on other girls before, during and after i got busted but i seem to have no courage in asking them out or whatever... And that’s my fucking love life, I don’t know any other who has the same. I tell myself, maybe she’s not for me or its not yet my time. Sometimes i think about things wrong with me… “hindi naman ako pangit” but why do I feel like one. Sometimes insecurities are starting to sink in. sink deep within, deep inside who I am, destroying me. Not only that I’m insecure about the way I look, am also about me, not being tall, not being so rich, about me not having a car that I can call my own and many other things which are too many to mention.

Now people see me as the confident and strong type. They find my personality funny and witty, outgoing, strong, worry free and happy. But deep beneath that facade is an insecure person… me.

is it wrong if let the time pass by and think that it will come? or i'll be left behind... alone. where is she.i'm so willing to find out who she is. who ever you are, i'll find you and love you. and until that time... i dunno.